i find it hard to make choises and if i must, it must start at why i do what i do itself, or what it means to me.
That is what this project was about.
I began writing thoughts down, to be able to understand what i know better, or be able to know what i need to know, better. To know what affects me and what moves me to begin with.
The concepts of seeing and feeling began shaping in my head, the distinctions clearer.
From the start, we are fed with a sense of the world which makes us function within it. it grows as we grow, we float in that information - objects, words, meanings: i cannot escape them even if i wanted, yet i cannot retain or understand what i haven't created either. sometimes there is the need to forget, to stop being in control of this continuous remembering to function. the 'seeing' needed to be halted for a moment at.
i oscillate between this seeing, and the need to eliminate it completely- continuously.
i feel the need to separate them as far as i can in my work, in my interraction with the world- to know each without the other, to know either at all. only an absolute, one seperated from the rest of the intersecting strings it exists with, stands to be complete and true- anything in between is an illusion, a play with forms.
we, so lost in the forms we have created to make sense of the world around us, can we know complete seeing?(complete sense)? can we go the other way, and know complete senselessness?
we are stuck in a space in between, a play with mere illusions, forms, a passing of time.
through my work, i can try and achieve those absolutes as far as representation allows.
this novel is all about this 'seeing', this space of forms between sense and senselessness, and subsequently a search for the ideal. to break something, i must first understand it better. the two processes later continued simultaneously.
in hindsight, i began by (quite unconsciously) closing myself in what i term a 'black box'- resisting, as far i could, the inflow of information into it so as to be more in control of my sample world- that which i had lived with so far, that which seemed large enough to have to be brought to a halt. i was writing freely for a long time, to first give a form to yet unanalysed feelings; and i only trust in writing for what i classify as 'sense'(as opposed to say drawing,where im aware i slip into the opposite of it even irreversably, quite often), identify the patterns in them. i believe everything has been said and thought before. man is the same, as he was when animals just turned into humans. i desperately searched for similar lines of thought,and give these 'ideas' if they can be developed such,an umbrella idea.
having felt quite lost about how to express 'excatly' what i felt and suffering from the continuous feeling that my thoughts were either unintelligible, or too obvious/mundane for a second person, i began to validate my ideas through reading and research on a wide plathora of subjects, in an attempt to realsie them, sever them, catalyse them into untouched zones, and be able to find a suitable visual metaphor to express them.
Pages from the various logs - reflection on my concept and the ideas that linger
within:
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